012 Choose to Be Human

Join us as Greg takes us through a variety of topics all surrounding Choosing to be Human.  He explains the levels of learning and how identifying not only overt but in private “trauma” events are essential to personal growth and learning.  He also shares why he believes resiliency and safety are paramount in toys world.

​You can download free copy of Greg’s book, The Remarkable Question at https://unperfect.com/

Greg Habstritt is a lifelong entrepreneur and teacher who’s started, grown, bought and sold more than 18 businesses in a wide arrange of industries, including two different companies that were ranked on Canada’s 100 Fastest Growing Companies List.  Greg has had the unique benefit of being involved with many of the world’s most respected business and thought leaders, hosting events with visionaries ranging from His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Sir Branson Branson and Dr. Stephen R. Covey, among with hundreds of fascinating leaders in between. 
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Using his businesses as a foothold, he’s raised and donated more than $1 million dollars to a variety of charitable organizations, including the funding of a school in a remote rural village in Uganda, allowing over 260 children to discover the gift of education and learning. Over the years, Greg has spoken in front of more than 100,000 people and coached thousands of entrepreneurs, coaches and professionals to create more success and abundance in their lives.

Links:  www.habstritt.com
Podcast:  Choose to Be Human 
greg@habstritt.com 

​Transcript

Stephen Christopher  0:00  

Welcome, everybody to another edition of the exciting unknown podcast. I'm more Sanchez with my amazing co host, Stephen Christopher, what's up? We are so lucky today you guys to have a amazing guest. He is a lifelong entrepreneur and teacher. He started growing and bought sold something close to two dozen companies. Some of those beams some of Canada's hundred fastest growing companies. They've ranged everything from like radio to finance, fire, real estate, investment software, veterinary services. I mean, you name it, I think our guest has probably touched it in one way or the other.

But through those things, he's been on this journey of recognizing that, you know, a business in and of itself doesn't necessarily Bring fulfillment and so how do you find fulfillment in that life's journey? That's brought him to also having created events and facilitated events with some of the world's most respected business people, thought leaders visionaries. Like for instance, the Dalai Lama, sir Branson, Dr. Stephen Covey, I think even planned an event for Bill Clinton.

It's crazy what what he's done in the last year, he's also helped so many people really deal with all of the uncertainty that the pandemic has brought about, and giving them a place to express those frustrations, their their fears, and also help people connect in different ways that they hadn't connected in before. In his past, he has he is an author or not, I think he is an author. He's a speaker speaking spoken to people Crowds as large as 10,000 people or more. He's also amazing father. He is a very kind and generous person who is happy to give his time and his heart to others. So we're very, very, very blessed to have Greg capstreet with us today. Welcome, Greg.

Unknown Speaker  2:20  

My people, how are you?

Unknown Speaker  2:22  

We're wonderful. How are you? It's great to see you.

Unknown Speaker  2:25  

You too. Yeah. No, it's great to be here.

Unknown Speaker  2:28  

So let's jump right in, if you don't mind. okay with that.

Unknown Speaker  2:32  

Absolutely.

Stephen Christopher  2:33  

So, you know, as I was doing a little bit, a little bit of research and writing your bio, um, I looked at it and said, You know, I am sure there are many people out there that look at those accomplishments and say, Wow, Greg, I mean, he's got it. He designed a perfect life. He was able to be financially successful. He was able to create a Family, he's got a wonderful son. He is he's been an author. He's done all these things. Do you? Does that ring true to you? When I describe it that way?

Unknown Speaker  3:15  
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I see
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Unknown Speaker  3:17  

a successful. Well, let's go back to the word you use of a perfect life. And I think the challenge to that is that the goal of having a perfect life in and of itself is a bit of a challenge. And I think one of the one of the lessons that I've learned over the years, and a lot of the time I think about things in the frame of what do I want to teach my son? And one of the things that I learned years ago because so my son Cooper, who is the love of my life, he's now 12.

And I would say the first three or four years of his life, I was like a lot of parents where if somebody said said, To me, you know, what's what's the one thing you just want for your child. And I used to say it all the time, I just want, I just want them to be happy. And that's the goal of most parents. That's the the wish and the dream of most parents. And after a few years, I started thinking about that. And the thing that occurred to me was that I now say something different.

And what I say now, and this comes from my journey, really, and especially in the last several years, is that my goal is no longer to be happy. And my goal for Cooper is no longer to be happy. The goal I have for Cooper, if there's one thing he could be, I want him to be resilient. Because I believe resilience is the in one of the internal powers that we have as human beings and to the extent that we allow our You know, our search to be about things outside of ourselves. That's where I think we get into trouble as human beings. And I'm a perfect case study of this. Because, you know, last few years, I've spent a lot of time thinking about my own history and my child and doing a lot of work and therapy and different things.

And one of the things that I've started to realize I've started to connect the dots of things that happened to me in childhood and growing up that then informed the decisions that I made for the next 30 years. And it caused me to go in certain directions that on the surface, I would have told you that I'm pursuing happiness. And what I've realized is how, how dangerous a path that can be. So back to your question and you know it, do I have a perfect life? Absolutely not. And I'm not sure that anybody does. I mean, if you've feel like you've got a perfect life. And, you know, that's, that's, if that's how you reflect on your life.

That's great. And I certainly don't feel that way now. I feel like I'm on a, on a on a really powerful journey. I enjoy a lot of things in my life. And but it's, it's, it's an unconscious incompetence of, we don't realize what we don't know. Until we start to realize all that we don't know. And then it becomes, in my view, sort of a lifelong journey to start learning. Those things that we don't know about ourselves.

I think most people, the way the human mind is built, and this is a fascinating topic for me the way that that we construct our realities, what we think is real. Everything is just, you know, simply a projection of our own, you know, fantasy and illusion. What's going on. In our mind, and the more you start to delve into that the more you start to realize that literally everything does come from within. And so I'm get a little sideways on on the on the topic, but I would say that where I am now is I feel a lot more settled in my life, I feel a lot more grounded, I feel a lot more authentic. I feel more in touch with myself.

I love myself a lot more than I ever have in my life. And those are the things that I'm really started you know, really working on because I think if you can truly love yourself, you know in the cold light of day, in a room by yourself and sit and really believe and feel that you love yourself. That's one of the most important and one of the greatest things you can do in life. And sadly in this society and culture. There's a lot of pressures against us to read Just be and love ourselves.

Stephen Christopher  8:04  

Can we talk a little bit maybe Greg about those pressures? I think what you're alluding to, and if I'm wrong, correct me and we'll go a different direction. But you know, the the pressure of love yourself versus being who you are, who you think you should be, or showing up in a certain way that those two things are always struggling with us. And so, how have you? Or what would you tell our listeners? How do you get past that? I mean, be showing up the way you're supposed to?

Unknown Speaker  8:41  

Well, for me, I think what I needed to do to really get beneath the surface of this and when you start doing this kind of work, it's very intensive, it can be very painful and difficult, but there's as our human psyche, we have so many layers to us, and what we see on the surface Most most of us just believe that's what that's who we are, you know, I am a successful business owner or whatever the case might be.

And when you start to do the work of going back in time, so for oexample, most people that I talk to now if I say something like So, tell me about your childhood, did you have any trauma in childhood? Most people it the majority of people will answer the very same way that I used to answer that question. And I would say, trauma. No, no, no, no, I know. I had a great childhood.

Fantastic parents, they you know, they were together 50 years great role models. middle class, didn't break any bones. Nobody hurt me. I wasn't neglected or abused or any awful things I didn't live through, you know, a war or a tsunami. You're like, No, I don't have any trauma. In fact, my childhood was boring. I had Such a boring childhood because there really wasn't anything that stood out. It was just it was just, you know, so I was really lucky.

And my parents were amazing and and so that would be the story that I would tell you up until, you know, a few years ago. And what I've come to realize is that first of all, most people misunderstand what trauma really is. Most people think of trauma as some kind of external event that occurs to you, that causes some kind of, you know, hurt or damage, a violation. A terror, you know, like you're in a, like, a plane crash or the sudden death of somebody or somebody is molested or neglected or abused or, you know, and all those things and bullying and those are all traumas.

But that's not the totality of what trauma is. And one of the one of the most important things that I've learned about this whole space is that there's two kinds of trauma. There's that kind of trauma. That's, that's what we're talking about. But there's also, you know, those are overt traumas where somebody does something bad to you, or something bad happens to you. But there's a second kind of trauma that is probably 90% of the trauma that people carry around. And that is good things that don't happen to you. So when you're in childhood, the things that you need to properly develop, and for your psychology and your psyche, to develop.

Those things may not happen at certain moments. And it can be as simple as, for example, you are three or four years old, and you go to the store, your mother takes you to the store shopping, and it's one of the first time she's done that and you go to the store And you decide to scream because that's always been how you get her attention. And she pays attention to you at home.

But because of her issues that she's not even conscious of back when, let's say maybe it was her father that taught her that good parents keep their kids under control and never allow them to act out, you know, whatever the case might be. So now, the mother is now playing that trauma back in her own mind subconsciously doesn't isn't aware it's happening. You scream, and she turns around and gives you that look of, you know, daggers and tells you to shut up and be quiet and destroys you in that moment. And doesn't realize it she is just doing what she's doing and trying to get you to be a good child.

Unknown Speaker  13:00  

That moment in time

Unknown Speaker  13:03  

embeds into your psyche. And if it's not processed, then that trauma is then held. And you now start to build. It's almost like, you know, the Princess and the Pea, I think it was called where there's this tiny little speck. And now the layers start to get built around that and it creates these disruptions in your energy field in your however you want to want to talk about it. But for me, that's what really was fascinating to me. So then, one of the things that I've realized is that I've always had these memories like when I when, when I talk about my childhood, like I was, I wasn't kidding.

I had a boring childhood. That's that was my way of understanding it. Because I can't remember any of it. Like, I don't remember sitting at a Christmas or at a birthday, my own birthday. I don't remember any of that until I was 1214 years old. And I always told myself Oh, it's because it was so boring. But what I've realized in this last couple of years, it's not that it was boring. It's that it was so painful that I have buried it.

And, you know, I have an aunt, my mom passed away five years ago, my dad's still with us. And I did have great parents, they did the best they could. But I've also realized that, you know, unknowingly, certain events happen to me where I didn't get what I needed. So let me give you an example of that. One of the things that I that I've sort of surfaced over the last few months is talking with my mom, I was maybe 12 years old, and I have an older brother, he's 16.

And me and my brother and my dad, were in some kind of an argument. Fight whatever, like I was a difficult child. And now I'm not surprised why when I look back about some of the some of the pain that I was carrying, and I remember running to my mom because I was, I was Mama's little boy, like I was the youngest. And I was terrible about that. Like, I used it against my brother all the time. And I can remember vividly running to my mom because I was yelling and outside with my brother and my dad, and they were mad at me.

And I was trying to say it was it wasn't my fault. It was my brother's fault. And my dad was taking his side. So I can't I ran to my mom and was crying and said, like, here's what's happening. And I was waiting for her to, to say to my dad, basically to defend me like, leave him alone. He's, you know, whatever. And I'll never forget my mom. I did this and my mom looked at me and she said, Honey never asked me to get in between me and your dad, because I will never do that. And I can remember in that moment, literally feeling crushed. Because what I interpreted that to mean was, you can't count on me.

Unknown Speaker  16:15  

And I'm not going to be on your side.

Unknown Speaker  16:19  

Like, a 12 year old being told by his own mother and and, and the point is she didn't say that. But that's what I heard was that I could not count on her and that I was not safe.

Stephen Christopher  16:35  

And you didn't have any other way in which to process that, right? I mean, because your mindset was what it was, which is in the past while you were mommy's boy and so she had always protected you and make safe and so you expected nothing else and all of a sudden, it was like a 180

Unknown Speaker  16:52  

Yeah, and I was so angry and I was so upset and I was so hurt. And that's the interesting thing about these kinds of traumas or upset that happen over our lifetime is that trauma is not the thing that happens to you. trauma is the way you respond internally to the things that happen to you. So trauma is an internal process. It's not an external process. And so that's why two different people could be in exactly the same situation and experience the exact same series of events, or moment, one walks away and can't remember it two years later, because it was completely, it was a non event to them.

Whereas another person, it becomes a debilitating trauma to them. And it's because it's how you interpret it and how you process it internally. And so, I think, when somebody says to me, Oh, I didn't have any childhood trauma. What that tells me is that they they don't understand what trauma actually is. What I did for so long was I glamorized and idealized my parents in my own mind. And like, if anybody ever said anything bad about them, I defended them. And they're the most amazing people in the world. And the reality is they did the best they could.

And they were very loving parents, but they weren't perfect. And I don't think any of us are. And so I think when people start to realize, wow, maybe there are some things in my past that actually are causing a ripple that pushed me off the path of where I really want to go. Maybe there's you know, maybe there's more to that. And again, I don't really like to using the word trauma because it's such a charged word that gets people distracted from Oh, well, I wasn't abused. Well, that's not really what we're talking about. So anyway, so that, for me, I think that's the work that I've been doing the last couple of years. It's been it's been very difficult, but it's also been very rewarding because it allows me to start healing some of these things. And processing that emotion that that trauma that's been lodged, you know, deep inside my soul for so long

Stephen Christopher  19:08  

Have there been Greg any? And when I as I sit in I listened to your story and I'm sure many listeners are gonna have a story similar in nature that comes up maybe not exactly that, but about a significant moment in their childhood where it was like, Oh yeah, I remember that. And I remember those feelings. And I could think of like, okay, I could see maybe how that would play out in your life. As you look at that event, have there been any surprising ways that it's played out? Like, Oh, I didn't realize the connection between that. That feeling of I can't count on you. And now it showed up, whether in my business or in my personal life, it showed up this way. And before you would have never seen that connection, but now it's crystal clear.

Unknown Speaker  19:58  

Absolutely. I mean, That sense that that moment of time that I told you about my mom that that that part of it was one of many data points when I look back to causing me to feel unsafe in the world. And that happened. There were several things like that. And it wasn't it wasn't my mom all the time. It was different things that occurred to me, but there were times when I felt I am not safe in this world.

And when I project that forward, say 20 or 30 years, one of the things that I realized was that I got into business coaching and speaking so speaking, I love speaking I love writing, I love communicating. And I did a lot of research, a lot of reading and a lot of work around understanding psychology and sales, psychology and influence and persuasion, all those kinds of things.

And I started doing speaking and it became very natural to me and it It was just one of those things, the more I did it, the more people wanted me to do it. Things grew, I got lucky and got put on a stage as a no name at a big event by a guy named t harv, eker 2000 people in the room, and I, like I killed it. And it was it was, it was accidental because I didn't really I wasn't a polished professional speaker that knew how to build the clothes and all that stuff. I was just being who I was and being authentic. And the more that I did that. It was so it was so amazing for me to be able to help so many people.

And as a result of that, I started doing coaching and things like that. And one of the things that I found was that when I was doing my coaching, I always felt this need to keep a separation between me and people around me. And that included coaching clients and I mean, some of these people were paying me you know, 50 hundred thousand dollars a year to coach them. And I did not want to create sort of I was very, like locked off about not it's a client, they're not a friend. And I kept myself at a distance from them.

And I told myself it was because of the business model, right is because oh, well you know, you don't you don't want to become friends with your clients because then they won't pay you they'll just want to go for a beer and get your help for free and, but what I really realized deep down was what that was, it was just another mechanism for me another excuse to keep people at a distance because simply in a similar way, I had a similar challenge with with with employees. And especially early in my career, like when I was in my 20s and 30s. I had a very difficult time really being authentic and close to my team and employees and as you know, as you guys know, not having authentic relationships with your employees. not treating them with, you know, respect and vulnerability.

It's really difficult to build a great team. And I had a business partner who did a lot of that work, who sort of offset me. And so I was sort of known as the visionary and the charger and like he creates all the activity in business. And then my partner's job was to like, deal with people. And in hindsight, that was another reflection of this fear ultimately, deep down that I had that I was never safe and I, I couldn't let people get close to me because they would hurt me. That really is the bottom line lesson that that I think I learned when I was younger that I have to protect myself. I have to wear all this armor because if I don't, somebody is going to stab me. Somebody is going to hurt me and somebody is going to let me down.

Stephen Christopher  23:54  

So let's circle back around then by what you were saying with your son. With Cooper and the one thing that you want to teach him now is resilience. How does safety and the need for being safe play into someone being resilient in the world today? You think?

Unknown Speaker  24:16  

I think safety is one of the things that a lot of people are lacking in their life in terms of like, psychologically, I think it's one of the fundamental challenges to, to the human psyche is to really truly feel safe. And I mean, we can look at it from a from a biological perspective. If we go back in time 10,000 years ago, and your your existence relied on you, avoiding things that would eat you, whether that would kill you and having something to eat so you wouldn't starve.
And you know, the classic saber toothed Tiger You know, the fear and we have our nervous system that's built in that automatically it bypasses our thinking brain and when your nervous system starts to kick in because of that, you know that that that fear or you know fight flight, freeze response. When that starts to happen in your nervous your, your sympathetic nervous system activates all of your thinking goes out the window. And most people spend the majority of their day and their week in their life in their sympathetic nervous system.

In other words, they're activated, they're on guard, they're alert. And it that's why if if somebody has a really difficult time just laying down and relaxing and watching TV and not doing anything And believe me, I this is like I'm talking about myself in the past. I have I still have a really difficult time just sitting and doing nothing.

Because my body is so unaccustomed to being in the parasympathetic space and just and so a couple of the things that I've done this last few years, I mean, aside from doing a lot of work on myself personally with therapy and and different things, plant medicine and breath work has been a really interesting thing and so, so, so if you think about it, very simply, you know, in the breath, when you breathe in, that is your body being in the sympathetic space of like, think about when you're when you're when you're startled, or you're afraid, or you're like, about to go into something that is like, you know, adrenaline or whatever. What do you do,

Unknown Speaker  26:56  

hold your breath

Stephen Christopher  26:59  

you breathe in

Unknown Speaker  27:02  

But when you are in a really deep state of relaxation, and you sit down and you feel everything, just relax,

Unknown Speaker  27:15  

what do you do? What's the sound you make?

Stephen Christopher  27:18  

Breathe out.

Unknown Speaker  27:21  

It's that simple. And so breath work is one of the amazing tools that I've learned to just start to modulate my nervous system. And when I watch other people so for example, my girlfriend, she grew up with a lot of trauma in her life, a lot of issues that you know, that occurred to her and she is she has a difficult time. Just relaxing and her nervous system just being calm, and when it gets there it's it's magical for her because she's so unaccustomed to the field.

And I believe most people are there because I can tell you that that's that was my experience up until the last few years, I was always on edge on guard alert, because I had this thing going on behind me of like, I'm not safe. And so with my son, what I've tried to do as a parent, is make sure that anything that I can do to cause his environment and our relationship, to allow him to feel safe, that's what I do.

And so that means, you know, keeping a consistent home and always being there for him and spending a lot of time in his life. That's one of the reasons that I got out of speaking and training several years ago was because, you know, he was two or three, and I was starting to become that dad that was always on the road. And I was not willing to make that that that exchange of missing important things. And so for my son I've never missed. I mean, I coached him in soccer for four or five years, I've never missed something important at school I've never missed.

You know, I've never been away for his birthday. I've never been away for anything that's important. And because I want him to know that he is safe, and that I've got his back. And in terms of their resilience, I don't focus him on trying to be happy, because I think, if I were to teach him, that that's the goal of life, he goes out into the world and starts looking for happiness. And we have a lot of these conversations about where does you know, where does happiness live and where does it come from?

And I think I would be setting himself setting him up for, you know, a life of difficulty to think to teach him that just around the corner, all he's got to do is lift the right rock and he's going to find happiness, because that's what most of us Are indoctrinated to believe when we're little. And we just grew up thinking it's out there somewhere.

Stephen Christopher  30:05  

So when you said we have conversations, you and your son have conversations about happiness, and where do you find it? Is that who you were referring to? Yeah, that's awesome.

Unknown Speaker  30:14  

Yeah, I mean, one of the, one of the stories that I told him was I had this, I had this this vision of it's kind of a long story, but it's basically a dream. And I and I had this sort of dream come to me and it was a very, it was an elder, like indigenous elder. And I it was, I couldn't really see where I was, it was all dark, and all I could see was the mouth of this indigenous elder. And he must have been, I don't know 100 like just incorrect.

You could just see the wisdom and the heritage and the kindness and the the awareness in him. And there were no words he didn't say anything. He just like, passed on this message to me and he had he was he was he had a pipe and he was smoking something and so like my field of vision, basically I could see his see his mouth and his lips in his in his cheekbones. And he inhaled the pipe and then exhaled and just kind of filled my field of vision in my mind was smoke and when the smoke cleared, there was an owl staring at me.

And I, maybe this sounds kind of crazy how this kind of came to me and again, it was in one of my, my plant medicine journeys, but basically what the owl this owl came to me and the, the, the wisdom that came to me was this al sharing the question Who, because of course, that's what Al's ask. And an owl is always asking the same question who. And what occurred to me was that we all have this inner owl inside ourselves. And we're always asking that that owl is always asking us the question, Who?

In other words, who are you going to be? Are you going to be yourself or you're going to be accepted? And that foundational question had changed my entire perspective. And so I told my son Cooper about this story. And he was fascinated and we talked about that. And the the friction that we constantly feel, especially when we're really small children, right when we're infants, we're constantly we learn very early in life, that our ability to be taken care Have and to be loved and to be accepted is its life to us.

Because without others, you know, it's it's an inherent instinct that we have. Because when we're born, we're literally helpless. And very soon on, we start to realize that if we change the way that we act, and behave and the things we say, then we get the love that we desperately need. And the problem is that every time we do that we get a little bit further and further away from who we really are. And so kids see this, you know, like in even in elementary school, where children know what the right thing to do is, who they truly are and what they want to do.

But they act a different way or they do something differently because they want to be accepted. And so, you know, in my view, that becomes life's challenge is This friction between Are you going to be who you truly are? Or are you going to be accepted? And the vast majority of decisions that make people are making in life are based on deep down the need to be accepted? there. Go ahead.

Stephen Christopher  34:19  

Sorry. What would you say to someone who, like, you know, I don't even know who I really what do you mean who I really am, I know who I am. I'm Laura. And this is what I've done in my life. And you know, I'm a mother and, but to say, am I who I am? What What would you tell me? How do I go about even figuring that out?

Unknown Speaker  34:40  

So

Unknown Speaker  34:43  

again, we go back to the four the four levels of of learning, we've got unconscious incompetence we've got where you don't know what you don't know. And maybe it's it's an awareness that you're that's not even in your you know, in your in your field of energy at some point and this is what I believe happens to a lot of people. Some people call you know you've heard of midlife crisis. I don't like to think of it as a midlife crisis. I like to think of it as a midlife opportunity.

And it typically happens, you know, in somebody, typically mid to late 30s, early 40s. I think what happens is we all sort of start down the path of what we think we're supposed to be doing. And we, we, we learn by example, and we watch other people we watch TV in the media tells us that if we have this kind of car, we're going to be successful and we're going to be happier if we don't have any wrinkles on our face, and like all these things, and we get to a certain point where all of these little decisions that we make, like I'm saying, you know, that we choose to be accepted, rather ourselves over time.

The gap that that those Little you know, decisions make create this huge gap for us that we get to the point where our, in our soul, we recognize we can feel something's not right, something's not aligned. Now somebody tells me Oh my God, I got the greatest life and I'm just the perfect you know, everything's perfect for me. That's fantastic. That's not somebody that that they're not looking for this kind of conversation. I think most people that feel that way are in denial. I'm sure there's some people that have truly reached that point, but I don't think most people have I think we're all human.

We're all on this path. And when you hit that point in midlife, it's like you don't know what you don't know. But you start to realize there's something going on. Like there's, there's an unrest, there's, you know, like, it's like, I call it the pause. It's like at some point in your life, you're doing all the things you're supposed to be doing. you're checking the boxes. And at some point, you stop for a minute and you look up and you think to yourself, what the hell am I doing?

Unknown Speaker  37:12  

Oh, absolutely. We,

Stephen Christopher  37:15  

neither one of us know anything about that. Exactly.

Unknown Speaker  37:18  

Never done that. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  37:19  

Yeah. And obviously, you know, Stephen in particular, I mean, obviously, we've had lots of conversations about this. And I think most people hit that point. And it just seems to be usually in you know, mid late 30s into 40s. And I think part of it is because our own mortality starts to become, we become aware of it, you know, most people know lifespan these days is predict, you know, around 80 years.

I think that's part of it. It's like we hit 40 and it's like, oh, my God, I'm halfway there. What have I done so far? And then we start getting into, you know, the comparables of like, well, I should be further ahead than this and look at that guy, and dah, dah, dah, dah, and like, we create this what I call it comparative depression, like we get depressed because we're constantly comparing ourselves against all of these other external metrics that, you know, frankly, don't matter.

And I think that's the point when people start to realize, okay, there's something here that I don't know. And now I need to start to focus on this. And some people stay in that in that gap for years.

You know, they stay at a job that they hate, or they hold on to a company that they can't stand that makes them miserable, but because it's because they're terrified of like, taking the next step and really asking the question, and quite often the reason for that is tied back to a lot of those childhood conditionings that caused them to be there in the first place that as an example, I know so many people who are second or third generation business owners, you know, their dad started the business their grandfather started the business.

And if you take them out, and they're honest, they'll tell you they hate that business. But they can't change because what would my dad say? Right? And at the end of the day, what is your dad more concerned about his own reputation and own pride or the happiness and the fulfillment of his child. And these are the difficult conversations that start to happen. But as long as you continue to allow those external reasons, to keep you on a track that that you don't feel aligned on, all you're gonna do is continue to create a bigger and bigger and bigger gap. And eventually that gap is going to become so painful.

It's going to force a force of change, and that's where a lot of people start sabotaging what they're doing. And so I think the that it takes a certain amount of life experience to get to that point of realizing like that question. What the hell am I doing? Some people achieve it earlier. But I think that's the point at which people then start to start asking these questions. And again, to circle back to your question, Laura, like, you know, I'm Laura like, Well, I know.

Because you know, because of your nodding like you understand what I'm saying, and you have asked these questions. And so I think these are some of the things and the tools and the ideas that now I'm kind of fascinated with is how, how do we help people start to even be aware of the things they're not aware of, and what's causing that sort of, you know, that leakage out of their soul that they they got it all together most of the time, but every now and then there's a little bit of leakage of this doesn't feel right, and it's that anxious that's like that, like really low grade ache.

Stephen Christopher  40:54  

that's those are these gonna be things that you talk about on your podcast then right because you're getting ready to launch upon gasps

Unknown Speaker  41:00  

Yeah, that's it. This is exactly sort of all of these kinds of things. You know, I said Rama, and fulfillment, and yeah, just the just the the things that make us human. And what's fascinating to me is most of us are operating on default mode in almost every area of our lives. And any area that you really want to excel in, you cannot operate in default mode, right? You cannot have a fantastic level of health by operating by default, which is what most people you know, that's and that kind of explains why, in the midst of the greatest technology and information and awareness in the history of the world, more people are obese and overweight than ever, like how does that make any sense?

That just doesn't make any sense? Well, it's because most people are operating In default mode, and so I think for me, you know, the, the, the podcast and what I do is called choose to be human. And I've had people say to me, Well, that doesn't make sense. You don't choose to be human, you just are human. And I actually challenged that idea. I think we're born, you know, into these bodies. But that doesn't just being born to the body doesn't make you human. I think you have to choose to be fully human. And that's the that's the work that we all have. Through our lives.

Stephen Christopher  42:37  

That's interesting. We had a guest on episode prior to you. And he his nickname in high school was the robot. Yeah. And that equated to in your words, him not being human. It was like, you know, his responses were non emotional. He just got it. Yep, that's good. Yep, I'm fine with that shirt. I'll do it right. So he was alive and he was going through the motions, but he wasn't being human. He wasn't experiencing anything. He wasn't having the highs, the lows, the passion, the emotion, of being a human being.

Unknown Speaker  43:11  

Well, and I mean, we've all heard this sort of, you know, the idea, the cliche of like being, you know, we're human doings not human beings and are you doing and being and I mean, there's a lot of validity to that. I think a lot of people are doing the things that they feel like they're supposed to do, in order to achieve whatever outcome it is that they're after. And, you know, the B do have model has been around for a long time. I think it was Stephen Covey that originally created it.

And you know, this idea that what most people do is they say, Well, you know, a vision board, I want to have this amazing house or I want to attract a great relationship or whatever the case might be. This is the outcome I'm looking for. Therefore, I'm going to do all these things that will lead to the outcome. Once I have the outcome, then I can be this thing. I can be happy I can be in a great relationship, whatever the case might be. But the problem is that that's the reverse of how the process really works.

Because if, like example that I used to give years ago when I was when I used to speak was the idea of a little girl who wants to be a figure skater. She wants to be an Olympic figure skater. And she can try to do all the things if she wants to win an Olympic gold, she can do all the things that are supposed to lead to being so good that they she gets into the Olympics. But the problem is that if she doesn't, in her being decide, this is who I am, and I am an Olympic caliber, world class figure skater.

The day that she needs to get up the next morning at 430 in the morning. To practice for two hours, she's gonna roll over and be like, Oh, I'm really tired. I don't want to do this today, I'll do that tomorrow. And it's it's that difference between making the decision of who you are and who you're going to be today. And then all you do is act in alignment with who that person is. And most people, that's not how they're operating, they set the goal, they pursue the goal. That's why, you know, and again, we can give million examples.

And I think people intuitively understand this, right? That's why January 1, like the gyms are packed, right? And by the third week of January, you know, 10% of those people are left. It's because those people that set the goal, they focused on the outcome, they didn't think about who is it that they need to be in order to achieve that goal. And so I think that's, you know, again, choose to be human is Choosing to be that's, you know, those are really the operative words.

Stephen Christopher  46:05  

It's going to be great, Greg, I can't wait for really excited for it to launch in a couple of weeks here. And certainly, there's a lot more conversations to happen there. Um, any questions, Stephen?
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Unknown Speaker  46:18  

Oh, man, quiet. That's not.

Stephen Christopher  46:21  

I mean, you know, Greg and I have had lots of conversations over many hours about a lot of this stuff. And so I was really just soaking A lot of it in and pulling out some of the key points. You know, actually, surprisingly, for once, I don't have any questions. That's cool. That's cool. All right, which doesn't happen to me very often. I do have really good takeaways.

Unknown Speaker  46:44  

Okay, but I thought you're gonna hit me with like, something really funky try to knock me off.

Stephen Christopher  46:49  

No, I mean, it's just, you know, I mean, here's so let's see, hold on. I had one. Here's one thing that I want to maybe just comment on and Greg, you can share any extra if you want is I think it's important for people I know at least in my journey, this has been important. You know, we talked about kind of discovering who we are, right?

We talked about the the gap growing over time, until it gets so uncomfortable that something happens right in that's either going to be a force something which, you know, nervous breakdown, panic attack, you know, something major heart attack, when we talk about health, it's either going to be forced, or we can choose to recognize it early on and start to ask some deeper questions, Greg, like you're talking about, but I think something that I have recognized is, when I've talked to people about this, there's a lot of pressure right to find who our true self is.

And so we go through this path we become aware, we were willing to put in the work to start to figure out who we are, and but I know at least for me, I've got caught in this in the past where it's like, okay, I put in the work and I've defined Who my true self is. But yet, a year or two down the road, it started the gap starts to grow again. And so I wanted to share this with people listening just so that they understand what your true self is today is going to be a little different than what it is tomorrow and a year from now and five years from now, because this whole like, you know, choosing to be human experience is that there is no finish line ever.

There's only milestones. And so it's not like we do this work once when we hit this midlife or quarterlife crisis, and then it's done. And then our life trajectory is going towards this next perfect thing or vision. It's just going in a slightly different direction. That's toward more alignment with who we truly are. And then we're going to get to the next dot. And then we're going to make another choice and then we're going to get to the next dot make another choice and, you know, there's no, there's no perfect true self, or I you know, I don't know Greg, actually, I would like your opinion On this, I don't believe we will ever truly find a true self.

Or we could write it on a sheet of paper of here's who I am. I think that this sticks with you. Yeah, this this, this is a journey. And it's always just about Oh, what do I choose to experience now? And maybe I choose to go over here and maybe the next day I choose to go over here. That's part of life is that whole experiential thing? And then having the freedom to be able to choose again? Yep, absolutely. I don't know. Maybe if you have thoughts on that, there's my question.

Unknown Speaker  49:34  

I think I think over time, yeah, it changes and, you know, your core values of what really matters to you are generally not going to change quickly over time, right? They can start to evolve. But, you know, the core values that I identified in myself 20 years ago, all basically still like I still feel like those are the things that really mattered to And those are the things that, you know, people people ask, like, how do I figure out, you know, my values? And I mean, as you know, just as an example, what are the things that upset you most that you see in the world?

And those are usually clues towards what it is that really matters to you. And that's so that's just one example of the way that you can start to look for what your true values are. But yeah, I think it's, it's, it's, you know, like they say it's, it's, life is a journey, not a destination. And I think, can you arrive at a point where you finally ultimately realize who your true self is.

The thing that I think about is like somebody like ROM das, who was you know, sort of a spiritual, sage Master, whatever you want to call him. And his view of himself was that he was no one And so it's to the point where you are so deeply connected with the universe and consciousness and one that you realize you're not separate from everything else. There is no individual self. And again, that's another conversation for probably another podcast but so I think it is it's it's a process, it's an evolution.

And I think how you know you're getting closer to your true self is when you when you reduce the friction in your life, when there's a lot of friction in your life. That's usually a sign that you are operating away from your true self. So if that's in a relationship, if that's with money, if that's with your health, if that's where you live, if that's what you do. friction is no mental friction and energetic friction is a sign of That you've got work to do. That's the best way I can say it.

Stephen Christopher  52:04  

That's awesome. I love that. Yeah, I love that too. Yeah, I use. I use resistance. Same, same thing. I always think I'm like, Okay, why is there resistance here? Yeah. And what is that feeling? And what is it telling me? And that's where I tend to look at things a little deeper.

Unknown Speaker  52:20  

Yeah, same idea. Yep.

Stephen Christopher  52:23  

Greg, anything else you want to share with our listeners as we wrap up, maybe best place to reach out to you if they'd like to talk contact you or anything?

Unknown Speaker  52:33  

Well, probably, I mean, the podcast is something that I'm excited about. I think I'm going to, you know, really explore a lot of these kinds of ideas and also have a lot of interesting guests and experts, that kind of thing. So the podcast is choose to be human. The best place to go is choose to be human.com. That's, that's the website. People can contact me through there and I'll be you know, sharing articles and blogs, things like that. And also the podcast itself.

Stephen Christopher  53:01  

And I know Greg, you've been you are an amazing writer. I haven't heard you speak in person other than our conversations, both here and other times. And so I would encourage anyone to to look on his website and a lot of great information out there easy to read very approachable. So thank you so much. I can't wait to see and hear the podcast as it launches in a couple of days.

Unknown Speaker  53:26  

Thanks, guys. All the best.

Stephen Christopher  53:27  

Absolutely. Thank you so much for sharing your time with us today. No problem. All right. Steven, do you want to share a couple of takeaways on all those pages of notes you have? Let's recap some stuff. So one, and Greg will put a link to it but I know that he I know you've written the I forget the title about my head the great question or remarkable quest, a remarkable question.

So I know that's a PDF and I'm sure we'll find a way to link to it in the notes. That's a really cool place to start. If you're kind of on this initial journey or You want to start on this initial journey if you're starting to feel that it's a really cool thing that Greg wrote a while back. So all right, a couple takeaways. trauma. So the word trauma is for me scary as hell, right? Because it just evokes all this stuff, right? And I was similar childhood to Greg, I don't really have any issues.

It was just kind of average stuff. And so just thinking through that we all have trauma. And trauma does not mean something that happened to us, it's the way that we interpret it. And I really liked that.

Just that difference in thought process about you know, it's it's something that it's, it's our interpretation of something that happened to us because you can have two people, you know, maybe they're, I don't know, twin brothers and they grew up in the same home, they have the same pretty much experiences, but yet they can end up so dramatically different Just based on the way that they interpret those experiences, so if for those of us that think hey, you know, I don't have a traumatic childhood, I don't have a traumatic past nothing crazy happened to me. second guess that and start to look at these things that might have shown up, you know, Greg's example was fantastic about his mother when he was having the the fight with his dad and his brother, that altercation whatever.

And he looked to her for protection and she said one thing, and he interpreted it as something, what I would imagine is completely different. he interpreted something along the lines of, you can't count on me to protect you. And just such a huge difference in such a small little statement. And so, as as a about to be future parent. I'm paying very close attention to a lot of these things that people are sharing now around this so that I can do the best job as as possible with our our new Daughter coming.

Unknown Speaker  56:03  

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I was

Unknown Speaker  56:07  

gonna say, oh,

Stephen Christopher  56:08  

did you just say your new daughter? She knows? Well, now the world knows. Yeah, I know. Okay, well, by the time this airs, it'll have been old news. And I believe that, okay, so the relaxation or breath work and so I love that Greg put it really, really simple, which is can you sit down for a couple minutes or maybe 30 minutes or maybe an hour in like watch a TV show? Or just kind of do something out of pure relaxation?

Are you able to do that and I think that's a really good test is just try to sit somewhere for some period of time, even if it is watching a TV show or maybe just having a conversation with a friend or having a cocktail or something like that. Can you actually sit there for 1015 2030 minutes and not be in this heightened state of basically fight or flight like most of us live in. So the breath work example is really, really good. You know, how many times a day can you actually say that, like, you feel like you could breathe out and relax your shoulders as Greg was going through that.

And he said, What do you do when you're in fight or flight you breathe in really quick and I did it, I breathe in my shoulders tense up. And then when it was the state of relaxation, I noticed like my shoulders dropped a couple inches I breathe out, it was just much more relaxation.

So just paying attention to that, I think is was a really good little snippet that I took away. I think I mean, we talked a little bit about this just a minute ago, but that the gap, right? So if you're not fit, okay, if you're not doing personal work to some level right now, and you don't feel a strong gap. Like you don't feel this strong pole around, oh man, like, what else could I be doing in life? Or am I doing enough?

Or is this all that it is, but you feel a little bit of that pole, because I think most of the listeners probably will start to do the work and start to ask the questions now, because that gap and that feeling is only going to get much, much more intense over time. And it's much easier to change from a state of not, well, I guess maybe we'll use Greg's word of trauma, it's much easier to change from a calm, collected place than it is to change from this place of you know, having a heart attack or burning a business to the ground or going bankrupt or losing your house. It's much easier.

Now, a lot of times we don't because we don't want to change if we're comfortable. But I promise you as you start to feel that gap, that gap is only going to get bigger and bigger over time. So pay attention to that gap now, and like we were just talking about a moment ago. That's an evolving thing, it's not like you just feel this big gap and then you go work on it and you feel better, and then you're good for the second half of your life. It's just something that you're just constantly going to be aware of and constantly be working on. And then the last one was reduce friction.

I think that that's just such a great tool that we can use to easily recognize if we're either kind of in alignment or on path with our true self and our core values. Or if we're going down a path that's, that's not, I mean, most of us here are entrepreneurs, or at least business owners or leaders. We've all had that experience where we take on we have this, you know, maybe a client, right?

And we're like, oh, hey, this client can pay us a lot of money and help us launch into this new thing. But you just feel the friction and you just know it's not the right thing. And every time that email pops up from him, you're like, Oh, my God, I don't want to even open it. And so you started off. You felt it. You knew there was something off but you did it anyway. And how did that end up for you? Or maybe you're even in the middle of it right now and you're like, Oh my gosh, I know that clients or I know that employer I know that friend.

Yep. So, pay attention to these little signs we are we are so much more in tune as humans than we give ourselves credit for it. So pay attention to that friction. And and listen to it is that is my takeaways. Those are awesome takeaways. And I have a feeling that a lot of this resonated with both of us in terms of our journeys, both personally and professionally. And so in the connect the dots episode, which we will be recording in a couple of days after this, we will kind of explore some of those things. And so until that time, embrace the exciting unknown awesome.